too much

i’ve just been sitting here thinking about my past actions and about people who i’ve been close to over the years. not in a spiteful way but just in an evaluative matter of fact way.

there are a handful of humans that i could tell you 100% not worth the “too much” that i gave to them or the favors i always end up doing even when they don’t ask.

i feel like i have more skeletons in my closet that are friends than exes. there’s this burning embarrassment and anger that hangs around whenever those friends pop in my mind.

i should have seen the discrepancy, i should have taken those comments as offensive, i should have said no when i wanted to, i should have called them out when i felt like it.

having “ex friends” just makes me feel like the “difficult” one. like i’m that person who makes friends and then burns a million bridges for fun or because i’m just a “drama” person.

the reality is, i’ve been trusting and inherently naive in so many “friendships”. it’s like i learned early on that i need to use common sense to be safe in the world and i learned be terrified of getting kidnapped etc but that friends are safe no matter what.

not all “friends” are safe. i don’t owe anyone friendship without security and support.